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Bad times…

At first I wanted to fast forward the bad times between Zach and I. But I realized it is important for me to share everything and not sugar coat anything.


Zach and I broke up on Halloween of 2010. While I was on the phone with him, I asked him to sign over his rights. He wouldn’t. We were yelling at each other on the phone for a while and then he hung up on me. I burst in to tears. I have never cried so hard in my life, I was crying to the point where I threw up. I couldn’t even stand up because I felt so weak and I couldn’t even hold my own child who saw me crying and she was scared.


I wasn’t hysterical because he and I were breaking up. It was because I did not want to share Hayden. I felt like she was my whole world, I had wrapped my whole life around her, and if she wasn’t with me all the time, I didn’t know what to do. (To the point that it was unhealthy.) I didn’t want my daughter growing up in a broken home. I didn’t want to think about another woman possibly taking the role as ‘step-mom’. I wasn’t in control and I was terrified.


“We don’t deserve this,” I said over and over.


I remember my mom called my nurse educator, Colleen, and she handed the phone over to me. Colleen couldn’t even understand me because I was still crying. I was finally able to catch my breath and Colleen asked me a very important question, “Have you thought of suicide?”


“Yes,” I sobbed. I didn’t want to admit it but I needed to tell someone.


“Have you thought about harming anyone else?” Colleen asked.


“Hayden,” I answered. I went on to explain that I wouldn’t go through with anything, that this is just not fair, I just wanted to disappear, I didn’t want Hayden and I to go through anything like this, my daughter deserves better.


Colleen was still very concerned and told me I needed to go to a clinic. She got back on the phone with my mom and told her where to take me.


I willingly went because I knew I was messed up. I knew I wasn’t thinking correctly. And I needed help.


When I arrived at the clinic, not only did Colleen come but my case managers, Heather and Anne, came with as well. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them there. To have them there meant to world to me.


I went in to talk to a counselor and told her everything, bursting into tears all over again. She asked, “Do you think you would follow through with harming yourself or Hayden?”


“Never.” I told her.


I explained to her that I just felt like my world was ending before. I didn’t want her or I to have to go through any of the legal stuff or the growing up in two different houses, having to decide who get’s to have Hayden on holidays. I knew my daughter deserved a mom and a dad who loved each other and loved her, who didn’t fight and didn’t argue all the time. Hayden deserved more than what I could give her and I felt like a failure not only as a person but as a mother. This is why I wanted to find a solution so she didn’t have to go through any of this.


The counselor and I went over a plan to help me stay focused and ways to cope that are healthy. She also told me that I had postpartum depression. (Which I had no idea, but looking back I can now see the signs.) She also explained my ‘freak-out-moment’ was circumstantial. We talked about going to a therapist as well as getting on some antidepressants.


After a couple weeks of being on my antidepressants, I was completely different. My thought process about Zach and our situation completely changed. I had the mindset of ‘if it happens…it happens’. I just had to go on one day at a time and when something happens, I would deal with it then. I couldn’t stress myself out over the what ifs.


I didn’t want to ever admit my depression but in order for me to heal and receive help, I had to tell someone. And I am so glad I did.