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Decisions

It took a couple of weeks before I could look my parents in the eye. I remember holding an awkward conversation the following day with my mom, which included no eye contact. My mom asked, “so what do you plan on doing with the baby?” I told her that both Zach and I had decided we wanted to raise our child. My mom has this certain look that’s hard to explain. It’s kind of like a-okay-but-I-don’t-approve-and-you-have-no-idea-what-you-are-getting-yourself-into kind of look. That’s what I saw when I told her that. She asked, “would you guys consider adoption?” This question went through my mind a couple times and I talked to Zach about it the night we found out we were pregnant. Zach told me, “If we are going to have someone adopt our baby, I would want my family to adopt the baby so he/she stays close.” I understood where he was coming from but I my thought was if we were going to put the baby up for adoption I would want someone in MY extended family to raise her. And I knew that would end up in an argument so I squashed the thought of adoption. I couldn’t even wrapped my head around the thought of having a child grow inside of me for 9 months and then just giving her up. If I was to have placed our child up for adoption, I would have wanted a family who couldn’t have children on their own, who had been together for a long time, who had good morals. But I came to the conclusion of, how do I know that the family we choose would stay together. I didn’t want my child to grow up in a separated home. I didn’t believe someone could love my child more or even as much as I did already.

Looking back though, I don’t see it that way at all. Through all of the hard times I have had, which you will read later, I now understand why people find the strength and courage to put their child up for adoption. And I believe it is a very good decision for some. If you put your child up for adoption, it is the most selfless thing you could do. The way I see it now is you want your child to have more than what you can provide them with. You want them to have a better life than you did, or that you know you could provide your child. There were several times, when I was in tears, wishing I would have looked in to adoption, not because I didn’t want to raise my child, but because I knew I couldn’t provide everything that I felt she deserved. If I didn’t have all the support I did, I don’t know if I would have made the same decision I did.

I am very happy with the decision I made, to raise my baby. She is a joy and I couldn’t picture my life without her and I personally feel like Zach and I are providing her with plenty of love, discipline and things she deserves. I do not regret my decision at all, but that was the correct decision for me, it doesn’t mean it’s the best decision for everyone.

If you are or have consider adoption, I would encourage you to look into it and get as much information as possible, so you can make the best educated decision for your baby. Again, I’m just speaking from my own experience.